i used to stink, stank and stunk

2006-05-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

indefinite (adj.) 1: vague or not clearly defined or stated; 2: not decided or not known

hiatus (n.) 1: an interruption in the intensity or amount of something; 2: a missing piece

how could you?

2006-04-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

- i have decided, upon much consideration, that the way that i would least like to die would be to be papercutted so many times that i bled to death.

- really. that would suck. a lot.

the deep end

2006-04-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

- it was a dark and stormy morning and i awoke in a pool of liquid. at first, i wondered if the liquid was my own blood, but alas, the liquid was not red.

- next, i pondered the possibility that my room had been flooded. i do live in the basement of a rather large building, and other unhealthy outcomes have resulted from said situation (copious amounts of festering mould being the most obvious of examples). however, it was just my face submerged in this mysterious liquid, and so a flooding would not really explain the situation.

- i then thought that perhaps i had left an open bottle of juice next to my head, and somehow in the middle of the night poured it all over my face. i licked my lips. this was not delicious, and therefore it could not have been juice, as we all know that juice is delicious.

- finally, i gave up on being all intellectual-like and decided to open my eyes to inspect the liquid. it was drool. i am disgusting.

treasure hunt

2006-04-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

- when i was about eight years old, i read a book about a boy who gets caught picking his nose in font of the whole class and gets teased until the point where he does a research project on it and finds out that everyone picks their nose.

- and really, why wouldn't we all pick our noses? sometimes you just get the really crusty ones that latch on to your inner olfactory unit and refuse to let go. why? i don't know. i can't imagine it's really all that pleasant, what with the hair and the constant wind and such. anyhow, these crusties are just a pain in the bum, and occasionally they cause us to hurt. and we can blow our noses all we want, they just hold on tighter, just to spite us. but our fingers? perfect size.

- so go on, get it up there. dig around a bit. see what you can find. just don't do it in front of the whole class.

afraid of heights

2006-04-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

- up and down, up and down. the steady motion of vertical rhythm, sending me to sleep. i feel like i'm in a rocking chair; someone sing me a lullaby.

- i have a thought.

- i look over at jenn and ask, "can you tell that i'm clenching and unclenching my bum?"

spoiled rotten

2006-04-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

- upon receiving change from shopping a while ago (shopping is a rare occurrence as a student), i noticed how dirty some coins can be. the loonie (one dollar coin, for all the non-canadians out there) at which i looked was completely moulded

- so moulded, in fact, that i was forced to truly peer at it in order to identify it as a loonie. - to me, this was disgusting.

- 'how does money get like this?' i thought. 'what must people do in order to make money this gross?'

- i pondered all of the interactions that money must have with people, and i realized that money really is communal. very communal. too communal. really. we wear sandals in community showers, why aren't we wearing gloves to handle our money?

- i mean, i don't typically do disgusting things to my money. really, i don't. but we all know that there are plenty of unhygenic people in the world. and snot-nosed children. and old people who can't control their salivation. and all that stuff gets on the money. and that's gross.

- "down with everyone who's gross!" i was about to declare. but, then i realized that when i don't have pockets i put coins in my socks to hold on to them.

- and for that, i'm sorry. so very, very sorry.

the wings of life

2006-04-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

- normally, i'm a lazy pile, so imagine my surprise when i said to my roommate last night, "hey, wanna go for a run tomorrow?" what was even more surprising was that when she replied in the affirmative (i'm not kidding, she actually said, "affirmative, sir"**).

- and then, this morning, i actually got up. and i actually put my hair up and brushed my teeth. hell, i even rolled on some deodorant. and really, once all that shit's done, you can't just not go for a run, no matter how lazy you are.

- so we went. and it was awesome.

- she listens to her music, so she was off in her own world and left me to mine. this gave me plenty of time to concentrate on everything that was going on. i wasn't wearing my contacts or glasses (read: i couldn't see, more or less), so i was really focusing on my other senses.

- it sounded like the morning; very few voices but plenty of birds. it smelled like fresh; everything was waking up new and different from the day before. it tasted like clean; no dirty deeds had been done today.

- it felt like strength; the power of my movements reminded me that it's not hard to just keep going. everyone does it. but what you ought to strive to do is to want to keep going. enjoy everything, because everything is worth enjoying. enjoy the sound of your footsteps and the smell of your own sweat mingled with the bittersweet aroma of coffee. enjoy the taste of the air, not because it tastes like anything in particular, but because it's everywhere and if you enjoy it, you will always have something to appreciate. enjoy the sound of the garbage truck at five o'clock in the morning because it means someone is doing something for you - they're taking care of you. enjoy papercuts, because they remind you how little things can have big effects. enjoy water, not because it makes you healthy, but because it's natural and pure and clean. enjoy pictures of friends, and pictures of enemies, and pictures of animals and trees and statues and poo, because there is beauty in everything.

- even in you.

**utter bullshit.

living in the shadows

2006-04-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

- when i was little, my mother really tried to promote a healthy lifestyle.

- for the most part, it was great. i got to go to the park and run around whenever i wanted, and i got spoiled with kites and frisbees and balls and all sorts of other athleticly stimulating delights. i always had fun at recess, and while she would gently chide me for ruining the knees in my pants, i knew she was secretly glad that i had been doing something adventurous. and that kicked ass.

- the problem came at lunch time. all the students in my class would gather chairs in the back of the classroom and sit in an oblong ring and eat our lunches while excitedly discussing all of the games we would play with our upcoming outdoor time.

- looking around me at those times, i would always see the kids with their adorable packaged lunches and the cute treats that went along with them. lunchables and puddings and fruit roll ups and gushers and even those individual sized bags of chips. and then i would look at my lunch and see an uninspiring peanut butter and jam sandwich next to some grapes wrapped in saran wrap. - don't get me wrong, both of those items are delicious and are in fact still part of many of my favourite lunches today. they just weren't cool.

- looking back, i really think that i can identify this as one of the sources of my inferiority problems. damn them all and their dunkaroos!

and then it was the end

2006-04-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

- today, whilst purchasing a product from a store, the woman who was kind enough to take our money greeted both my mother and myself.

- "how are you doing this aft?"

- are you kidding? this aft? i hate short forms while having internet discussions, so you can imagine how badly i wanted to rip out her trachea as it splurted out of her dirty, dirty mouth.

- it's TWO SYLLABLES. just two.

- if you really have a hard time pronouncing them, i'll give you an extra two to try on for size instead: just die.

everything is everything

2006-03-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

- universities want students to get fat.

- proof:
- cost of a plate of fruit: $3.20
- cost of a plate of fries: $0.40

- that's right, folks, i can have eight plates of fries for the cost of one plate of fruit. fuck you, post secondary. and at the same time, thanks very much.

the beat of my...

2006-02-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

- and as i stood in the hallway farting freely, only seconds from the door to my room, i realized that living in residence had stripped me of my last few ounces of shame.

- i'm unstoppable.

so says my pudding

2006-02-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

- "now lower fat and meatless!"

i was thinking of you

2005-12-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

- one of my closest friends is sikh. he has a lot of hair. mostly, his head hair is in a turban. his beard, however, hangs boldly and freely in front of his face.

- in general, this provides much fun, as i do not have a beard and somewhat wish that i did. they are so much fun to stroke. it makes me feel thoughtful.

- the other night, however, my eye was bothering me for quite some time. when i finally got home and had a chance to investigate, i removed my contact and examined it. sure enough, one of his beard hairs had made its way underneath my contact and had been rubbing itself against my eye all night.

- merry christmas to you too, kartar.

no glove, no love

2005-12-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

- now that's it's christmas break, i've had some time to catch up. i was reading a book of lists. 'twas the title of the list which first caught mine eye: average size of erect penis for various species, it said. at first, i tried to restrain, telling myself that i wasn't a pervert. but i am a pervert. so i read the list with great interest.

- the key points: the average length of an erect penis of an elephant is ten feet. as a comparison, the tallest man who ever lived (robert pershing wadlow, for those who are interested) was 8 feet 11 inches. and he was more or less a giant, having the disease 'giantism' or something like that.

- there is a species of duck (i'm at a loss for the specific name) that, on average, is sixteen inches in length. the average length of its erect penis is seventeen inches. did anyone else just picture that? was it way more ridiculous than it was impressive? yeah, me too.

- final point (and redeeming point, for those males in the audience): the average length of a gorilla's erect penis is two inches. that's slightly bigger than my pinky, but not by much.

- final final point: i really wish that i had talked about a rhinoceros, or possibly a dinosaur, so that i could make a pun about being horny.

you shouldn't have

2005-11-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

- this weekend, it was thanksgiving for all those who live north of the 42nd parallel and west of the atlantic ocean and who are not in alaska.

- man, am i thankful.

- i am thankful for my family. i am thankful that my uncle fondly refers to my sister as "boozey." i am thankful that my other sister sprays whipped cream into my cleavage then mooshes it into my boobs. i am thankful that a vast majority of the jokes in my family involve my mother giving the middle finger.

- i am thankful for my friends. i am thankful that we take time out of our day to search for the emperor's new groove so that we can have the pleasure of watching it. i am thankful that my friends try (and fail) to help me with physics, and that the only question i got right with all of us working on it collectively was the one that i made up a number for the answer. i am thankful that when we only have an hour left of our vacation, we get together and play mario kart on n64.

- i am thankful for hockey. i am thankful that the hockey night theme song can come on and make me so happy that a tear comes to mine eye. i am thankful that my favourite team can lose their first three games and that i'm not worried because at least they're playing. i'm thankful that they will start winning, because i said so.

- but mostly, i'm thankful for that leftover piece of apple pie that i had for breakfast this morning.

hear me roar

2005-11-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

- sometimes, i really just like to sleep on the floor. whether there's a bed or not. no blankets, no pillows, no sleeping bags

- those are for people who are not manly. like, perhaps, women. but a woman i am not!

- i can't really explain it at all, but sleeping on the floor just seems natural, once in a while. i mean, eventually you'd get all sorts of crazy back problems and because a crouchy person, or at least i assume so, cause that's what happened back when beds weren't comfy, but once in a while, it's worth it.

- i guess maybe it's the idea of being able to comfort yourself without the use of pillows or blankets or any of the other silly things that give us a false sense of security. it's nice to think in a world of so many dependencies, one can still be a little self-reliant.

- but the next night, the bed is where it's at.

success!

2005-09-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

- operation poo has been completed. no casualities were had. party time!

to win or not to win

2005-09-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

- so i'm moved in, and i'm starting to get accustomed to the loudness and the drunkenness and the constant music. i even walked to the showers in just my bathrobe this morning, and while i'm a fan of nakedness, others are not generally a fan of it on me, so that was quite the achievement.

- there were two things that disturbed me very much about the whole washroom experience, though.

- firstly, in our washroom, which has clearly been designated as a women's washroom according to the large imposing sign that states "women," there is a urinal. that's right, i said it, a urinal. i'm not sure if perhaps the makers of the women's washroom were unaware, but urinals are useless to those of us who carry vaginas around in our pants. you know why? we have no directional control, hence the pee would not go in the urinal but instead most likely down our leg. therefore, down with urinals.

- secondly, i can't poo in public places. i can't even say a dirtier word for poo when it has to do with me and public places. it just doesn't come out. i'm too afraid. the washrooms? very public. also very much like a place. therefore no pooing for me. i'm a little nervous to find out how this is going to work out.

- something that's not very disturbing? oh, that would be the sign inside of the stall the quite determined-ly states, "winners flush!"

- i'm a winner.

itsy bitsy spider

2005-09-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

- as i'm sure most you know, the average person eats somewhere in the vicinity of nine spiders a year in their sleep.

- sometimes i wake up in the morning and immediately think, "wow, i must have had a real big juicy one last night."

better than cocaine. and by better, i mean worse.

2005-08-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

- i'm having one of those nights right now where, if i was really really hella uber nerdy, i might say that i was "high on life." but really, i'm not quite that nerdy, although i am borderline that nerdy, but still i'm not quite there, so i won't say that. everything seems to be ten times more hilarious than it really should, and all the colours seem to be brighter even though it's dark and because of the cones in my eyes needing light to see colour i can't see colour, it still seems to work out that they're brighter. obviously there's something wrong with me because i'm not completely coherent, but i don't think anyone will mind.

- my friends and i played balderdash tonight. balderdash is a game where you have a card with the name of a thing or a person or a time or a movie or an acronym, and the true answer is ridiculous, and everyone writes down their own answer and they're all read out along with the real one and you have to guess which one is the right answer. i don't know if that makes sense at all. anyway, at one point tonight, the word was paddlecock, and while it wasn't the real answer, this one was my favourite: the term originated when the english, paddling in canoes, would frighten the paddlers into submission by yelling, 'paddle harder, you cock suckers.' the insult was later shortened into simply 'paddlecock.'

- you're a paddlecock.

- also? again with my friends (how are we such absurd people)... tonight we actually had the following two conversations.

- conversation #1: while in a parking lot, i noticed that the balderdash game that i had placed in the back of the van was now in the middle of the van.
heather: why hello there, balderdash, how did you get up here?
julie: well, i just sprouted legs and walked up here.
heather: and a voice box?
julie: and vocal cords.
heather: and a brain?
julie: and a central nervous system.
heather: so basically you became a person?
julie: yes, a box person. hello, my name is balderdash, i'm a box person.

- conversation #2: we were walking through the grocery store with kartar and julie flirting incessantly, me walking ahead of them.
heather: guys, sometimes being the third wheel sucks.
kartar: you're not the third wheel, we're just a three-wheeled vehicle.
julie: yeah, we're a tricycle!
heather: but i'm still the lonely front wheel.
(at this point, julie rushed up to walk next to be, leaving kartar alone behind us.)
kartar: okay, now we're just going backwards.

- okay yeah. i guess i am nerdy enough to say it. i'm high on life.

here i dreamt i was a mathematician

2005-08-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

- i woke up the other day and realized that i had been doing multiplication in my sleep. with big cartoon numbers. this made it fun.

i'm going to shell you

2005-08-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

- mario kart really is a classic game, because it makes absolutely no sense, but people still like it. i mean, a bunch of cartoon characters rave around in go-carts. that much is, if not believable, at least understandable.

- i also comprehend that competition would lead them to want to sabotage each other's game with anything they possibly could; everybody wants to win, right? because winning is everything.

- but really. who leaves boxes containing bananas and shells and lighting and ghosts sitting around a racetrack?

- how do you even get those things into boxes? i mean, bananas and shells are easy enough, i'm sure, though to be honest i've never tried. but lightning? ghosts? how to you capture said items and place them into something solid. lighting is unpredictable and deadly, and ghosts don't exist (and are deadly). can you imagine how many times someone actually fails at this job before they succeed?

- boss: "johnston! how many times do i have to tell you! get the lightning and put it inside the box! i don't care how many times it went through your body; through your body doesn't get results! get out there and fight it like a man, johnston."
- poor unfortunate employee: "but, sir -"
- boss: "don't be a pussy, johnston."
- poor unfortunate employee: *jumps out of the window*

- so really. he would go through all of this work and then just leave the damn boxes sitting around the racetrack carelessly? i think not.

- furthermore, some of the items just don't make sense. why does lightning make people small? why is a red shell more deadly than a green shell? why does a blue shell target the player in first? wouldn't an oil slick be a more effective slippery tool than a banana? so many questions are left unanswered.

- what a sweet game.

i smell like a man

2005-07-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

- i ran out of my normal deodorant (or antiperspirant, i don't know), so i had to resort to using my emergency backup kind, and now i smell like man. but i'm not a man. so clearly, there's a problem.

math is the shit

2005-07-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

- ice princess: no, i didn't watch it, but i am still going to talk about it. i hope you're down with that.

- the premise of this movie is much like that of many other chick flick movies targeted at the younger half of girls in their teens and their unfortunate boyfriends. in other words, it's about a girl who goes from geek to chic for some reason or another.

- but i feel i really must represent geekdom here and say what the hell is wrong with geek in the first place? who's standing tall and respecting the intelligence and the thick glasses? who really has the power to say that chic is all that great? i mean, the word's french. and most of you don't know french. so quit your whining, is all i'm saying.

- however, what really got my bubble busted was when i decided to inspect the cover of said wretched movie. what did it say? well let me tell you what it said. it said, 'from scholastic to fantastic!'

- this just made my jaw drop. disney doesn't know what it's talking about. all those fatcats and their rhyming words. let me tell you, disney, that this isn't black and white we're talking about here. it's not like there's some line and scholastic's on one end and fantastic's on the other, and we're all just waiting to take that one way, no stop trip. that line curves, baby. it curves all the way into a circle. and that circle's filled in. and you know what's right in the middle?

- it's me. cause i'm both scholastic and fantastic. and that's not nuts. don't go calling agent smith over from the matrix. he's not needed.

- disney sent out a stupid message with the cover of this movie. not that i was going to watch it anyway, but now i have even more reason to boycott it. don't try and tell little girls and their boyfriends that you have to go away from scholastic in order to be fantastic. cause it's not true. fantastic people? yeah, they're all pretty scholastic, that's what makes them scholastic. so there.

- side note: also on the cover, i noticed that the girl (in the 'scholastic' phase, of course) is wearing and i heart math pin. anyone know where i can get one? i'm being serious. i would wear it every day. because i heart math.

don't need no abacus

2005-07-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

- my friends and i were watching aladdin last night because, well, because we could. and isn't that reason enough?

- but a thought struck me in the middle of the song 'prince ali' when the genie was listing all of aladdin's wonderful possessions, and he came to 'llamas galore.' on screen, there were only three llamas.

- do three llamas really count as llamas galore? how many items must you really need for them to count as 'galore?' is there a specific point when you no longer have something 'galore' but instead just have a lot of that particular item?

- and if my sneaking suspicion is, in fact, accurate, shouldn't there be someone employed to monitor and eliminate the misuse of glorious words such as 'galore' and save them for such occasions when they would truly be appropriate?

there's another world inside of me

2005-07-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

- it's hard to realize that your life has started and you're not living it. that's what happened to me. i am no longer bound by the law or by my parents to go to school and live at home and be who everyone wants me to be. i am myself, and i am free of the clutches of all possible evils. my life has started. and i'm at home blogging.

- wow. just wow.

stalkers two

2005-06-27T01:07:00.000-07:00

- some people might think it would be really creepy to be stalked, what with the being followed and what not, but i actually like it, since my stalkers are an alcoholic beverage and a pretty rockin' rock band.

- this all started about a month and a half ago, i would say. once day, some of my friends went to subway on our lunch break. conveniently parked behind the subway (generally out of sight) was a very large beer store truck.

- of course, my first thought was to steal it. but instead i went in and purchased a juice.

- that's not shifty, i know. but the very same beer store truck has been spotted by me near us on several more occasions since, always in areas, like the subway, conspicuously away from the nearest beer store. interesting... stalker one.

- okay, folks, let's play a game: what's red and hot and chili and peppery? one might guess the red hot chili peppers, and one would be right. but one would also be right if one guessed my other stalker.

- ever since that fateful night at least a month ago when michael de jourdan and i went to zehrs and purchased bubbles, whenever he and i are in a vehicle at the same time and the radio is one, the red hot chili peppers come on.

- i like the red hot chili peppers. so does michael de jourdan. these facts make the stalking arrangement work out quite nicely for all parties involved.

- now all that's left to do is to get drunk and listen to the red hot chili peppers.

but your soul was willing

2005-06-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

- i am going to dropkick people in the face.

- an e-mail showed up in my inbox. it said, "I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings... We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that... [and then, in giant, 40 point writing]... IMMIGRANTS, NOT Canadians, MUST ADAPT."

- why should we have to say merry christmas to everyone? it makes sense that we're not saying merry christmas to everyone because everyone doesn't celebrate christmas. saying merry christmas to someone who doesn't celebrate christmas is like wishing a happy menstruation to a seventy year old man. there's just no need for it.

- on the other hand, wishing you season's greetings or happy holidays does make sense. why is that you might ask? because you're celebrating a holiday. how is hoping that your holiday is happy offensive? oh right, because you're a stupid fuck.

"I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that."

- you're very wrong. i have a huge problem with that. my problem isn't what's happening, though, it's that you have a problem with it. you are offended by people taking an interest in respecting all of the cultures of canada. that makes you an ignorant jackass.

- my biggest problem, though, comes with the idea that 'immigrants, not canadians, must adapt.' unless you're native american, you're an immigrant at some point in your history. this gives you two choices:
1. you mean that we all must do things as the native americans do.
2. what you really mean is that you're sorry you're so stupid and insensitive and you'll rethink sending mass e-mails to everyone on your contact list just so that you can perpetuate the cycle of ignorance. you realize that you or your family was in the same situation as immigrants are today, and together, people who were already here and your family came together to make canada the multicultural nation that it is today. in the future, you will be more accepting of other people and you will try to further the idea that canada is a good place to live because there is so much diversity, rather than trying to mush all of the diversity away by stomping on it like the monstrous goon you are.

burn, baby, burn

2005-06-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

- thunderstorms are one of the few things that i feel can revert us to our natural state. you can sit outside before a thunderstorm and simply know that something massive is coming. it has that peculiar feeling that resonates throughout your bones - it's electric, and it's impossible for us to ignore. it seems to be the only occurrence that we can still feel, the only thing that really proves we are still connected to this world in a physical sense.

- somehow, although there is so much suspense and tension in the air pre, during, and post thunderstorm, the sky seems tired, as if it's being weighed down from years of worries and anxieties. - when i was sitting outside, i could tell the definitive moment when the air went from being hot to being cold. i like to think that it's symbolic of life, that even in something so vast and confusing, there can be certainties.

- i love the moment in the thunderstorm when it starts to rain, especially if there's been thunder and lightning for quite some time before it. if you feel connected to the storm, this is the moment when you to can release anything that's been holding you back. this is the moment when you can feel utterly free. this is the moment that, above all else, you feel alive.

victim of political pride

2005-05-31T23:58:00.000-07:00

- i have always been bitter about never having received an easy bake oven in my childhood. besides a dog, it was the only thing that i ever really wanted. and now that i'm old enough to buy one for myself, it just seems silly, since i can use a real oven and make real food.

- and yet i'm still bitter. go figure

at least i'm flying free

2005-05-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

- i have been 18 for four days and approximately eight hours, and i don't understand it at all. this is being an adult? i waited 18 years to feel like this? this feels like 12 and uncertain about my future. this feels like 7 and sure that all boys have cooties. this feels like 2 an unable to voice my thoughts in a coherent manner that will make them heard. this feels like 86 and senile.

- i still feel childish - perhaps even moreso now than i did before, because now it's rebellious. i don't particularly disagree with being childish, to be honest - it was never my decision to be an adult, after all.

and all this solitude is my confidence eroding

2005-04-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

- i had so much to say. so many fun topics and silly stories.

- but then i found a girl who was in trouble. and i almost watched her die. and i felt bad for not knowing how to save her life. she didn't die, and i found someone who did know how to save her life. i still felt bad.

- but the fun and silly is definitely gone for the time being.

- i have felt completely powerless since then.- it was scarier than those two car accidents i was in.- the taste of life is precious, so savour it with every breath.

- intelligence is artificial. sure, i can get a 95 average, but i know nothing about me.

- i don't know what this post means. i feel guilty. am i delerious? is that how you spell delerious? how can i have so much and still feel so empty? i have so many feelings, but somehow i'm numb. i think i'm a failure, but i'm not sure. why can't i sleep this off? why can't i sleep at all?

- i think that i would ramble forever, if i didn't think that my brain was going to turn off soon. the caffeine is doing me no good. have i ever been this incoherent before? i wish i had pizza. yeah, pizza.

- i'm going to go get pizza.

the best policy

2005-04-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

- for years, i've found all meat besides the two common poultries to be offensive in most ways. i never really had a reason for this.

- when you really think about it, there aren't many things that are less appealing than a pig's ass, but a chicken's breast comes pretty close. and so it certainly couldn't be the idea that i don't like eating animals, since chicken is about one of my favourite foods.

- i also don't care about saving the animals. i mean, i do care about saving the animals, i just don't care enough to do anything about it. mean? yes. but hey, at least i'm honest. and everybody likes honesty, right?

- so i got to thinking about meat and asses and honesty, and it all sort of clicked:

- chicken and turkey are honest meats. they don't try to hide behind some other name that would camouflage the reality of what they are, simply to protect the innocence of those indulging in them. do you really think mcdonalds would be so popular if burgers were really called "piece of those moo-moos we see on our way to grandma's house?" would hotdogs really be so hot (get it, it's a pun) if it was called "random assortment of parts that were left over after all the good stuff was taken?"

- it's not much of an explanation (or an argument, really), but i think that's it.

under there

2005-03-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

- when we're born, we're the little understood creatures called "babies." these poor unfortunate souls, for the majority of the first while in their little lives, are forced to wear garments under their clothes ("undergarments," if you will) called diapers.

- diapers, in case you hadn't noticed, are more or less unisex. as children age, however, girls' underwear becomes more and more small and boys underwear becomes more and more large. other possible terms are skimpy and airy, respectively.

- this continues through high school and party time (er... college), and, as far as i can understand, until about the third child, at which point, girls stop worrying about "satisfying their man" and boys stop worrying about "keeping their man aired out." and so girls get bigger panties, and boys get smaller panties. and by panties, i obviously mean the manly equivalent.

- this trend continues until, at about age 70, failing eyes and stunningly similar underwear are the two leading factors of couples forced to mark their underwear with their initials so they don't mix them up.- and then, and 80, the cycle is finished, and there is once again a return to the completely unisex diaper.

- oh life. how just you are.

s'cuse me, pardon me

2005-02-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

- has anyone else noticed that the last people to get to a show (be it theatrical, musical, or otherwise) are always the people who sit in the middle of the row?

- it's really interesting to remember that these people - the ones who sneak in three seconds before the performance starts and then barrel through everyone in their path so that your choices are either get your knees the hell out of the way or have them taken off; the ones who seem to have rip van winkled since the day they bought their tickets and just woken up and realized that the performance was in ten minutes - most likely had no problem being on time when they were beating you to the tickets for the prime seating area.

- those bastards.

- so what i suggest instead is the five minute system. the people in the middle group of seats are expected at a particular time. the people on the outside of them are scheduled to arrive five minutes later, and so on. the last people are scheduled to arrive ten minutes before the start of the show, so that all annoying shuffling and shifting-in-the-seat ceases before the commencement of the performance.

- the best part is, if you miss your time, the people on the outside of you get to move into your seats. the later you are, the more shitty seats you get. - how much fun would it be to usher that show?

- usher: "sorry sir, you were a jackass and didn't show up until three seconds before the performance. here, have these terrible seats."
- jackass: "a-wha?"
- usher: [smirking] "enjoy the show!"

- cue the start of the performance.

the lost art

2005-02-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

- the school systems generally try to make sure that students are taught all of the arts: literature, music, visual art, and drama. some are imperative, others are optional, but most are at least offered.

- but there is one key exception. one very important and useful art is left out. this art has a direct impact on most of our lives.

- the art of cutting cheese.

- you may laugh, but think seriously for just a moment. how many times have you been frustrated at cutting crooked cheese? how many times have you gone to have a quick snack, and you spend more than a quick amount of time trying to fix the mess you made with the cheese?

- i don't know, but anytime i cut a slice, it's crooked. and then i try to overcorrect to balance it out, and somehow my efforts leave the cheese even more messed up. it's usually around his point in time when i flail my arms at the sky and yell, "why must you smite me with your crooked cheese, oh might smiter?"

- and then i wrap the cheese and let the next person figure it out. it doesn't really matter that much - since no one can cut cheese properly, they'll probably just think it was them anyway.

let me play among the stars

2005-02-14T22:15:00.000-08:00

- no matter how much i age, i'm pretty sure it will always be cool when it's cold enough out that i can pretend i'm smoking just by breathing.

- smoking isn't cool.

- but pretend smoking? it's so cool that i'd go so far as to say that it's smokin'.

mind your manners

2005-01-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

- being a high school student is difficult. there are so many tests of character, life-altering decisions, betrayals, and loves that it's hard to know what to do with yourself. the hardest thing, though, is knowing your hallway manners.

- you'd think it would be easy: you see people you know, you wave. you see your friends, you say hi.

- but it's not. what if the people you know are with a group of friends? what if your friends are with people you don't like? what if someone you might normally wave to is with a group of people ranked cooler thank you? what if someone you normally wouldn't do anything to is the only other person going down the hall so you can't pretend to not see them?

- generally, the rules go (as far i can understand) that if someone's alone, and you know so much as their name, you at least nod. in a big group situation, you pretend you don't' know them, unless you're also friends with the majority of the people in the group. if there's someone you wouldn't normally talk to, and there's lots of people around, it's a-okay to pretend you don't see them. if someone is with a significant other, you pretend you don't see them - not because they won't wave back, but because you don't want to be associated with love. love is not good for the persona.

- as you can see, the whole situation is rather difficult and they begin to cause emotional overload. so to all those people out there who think teenagers whine for nothing, i hope you've learned better today. hallway manners are a hard thing to understand.

bond, james bond

2005-01-15T01:08:00.000-08:00

- you know commercial with the little stick boy who is trying to advocate all sorts of joyous family bonding time that can occur over a wonderful game of candyland?

- well, tonight, my friends and i decided that family bonding time occurring over a wonderful board game is an excellent thing to experience with friends.

- so we had game night.

- we played headbanz, poker, scene it, taboo, and dirty minds. we ordered (no joke) ninety-six dollars worth of pizza, ate a gigantic volume of snacks, and shouted out both correct and absurd answers at ridiculous volumes.

- all in all, it was a good night. terrible things really would have had to happen in order to have had ninety-six dollars worth of pizza and not had an excellent time.

- basically, what i'm saying is, in the future, try not to be so wary of stick figures in the future, even if they are promoting family time. it turns out that some serious bondage really did take place tonight, and not just in dirty minds.

canada, eh?

2005-01-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

- today is canada day, and i will inform you of why it is great.

1. we're athletic. baseball, lacrosse, hockey, and basketball are all canadian. on the other hand, with the current state of baseball and hockey, and the way the nba draft went for the only canadian team, the raptors, and the fact that we're the only country who really seems to enjoy lacrosse, i'm not sure we have much to be proud of anymore.

2. we're tough. we have the largest french population to never surrender to the british, and the largest english population to never surrender to anyone, anywhere. also? the average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

3. we're smart. we invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, and superman. our elections take only one day (a cheap shot, i know), and the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

4. we have excellent beer commercials. here's my personal favourite.

hear me roar

2005-01-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

- sometimes, i just want to get up atop a hill and yell. (and maybe see where the grass is the greenest.)

- i don't care what i say. for example,

- "giraffes have long necks!"

- "if bejamin were an ice cream flavour, he's be pralines and dick!"

- "i haven't washed my underpants in three weeks!"

- and "toe socks enjoy the sound of tomatoes!"

are all things that i would consider yelling.

honey, i'm home

2004-12-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

- so you know how when you eat a bag of chips or something and you're really bored, your eyes seem to wander over to the nutritional information (not because you care) on the back, and you are amazed at just how much bad shit is in it? then you feel kind of guilty. but it doesn't matter. so you keep reading. and then you get to the fine print. that's when you realize that there's seventeen billion and three calories in approximately eight chips!

- who eats eight chips?!?!

- so my dad recently went to scotland and brought back some chocolate,a nd i was kind of just sitting there, eating a bar of chocolate, and i glanced at the nutritional information. you want to know what the scots do?

- information for two bars of chocolate. two full bars!

- god bless them.

something dreamy

2004-11-28T21:34:00.000-08:00

i wish i was poetic.

officer spanky pants

2004-10-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

- i was having a terrible day yesterday, and after work i came out to my car and saw an alarming note on my windshield:

- 'this is a ticket. you are parked in the "aardvarks only" space. send eleventy billion dollars to owen.'

- and it was signed, 'the police.'

- yeah, i'm smiling.

ricky's not smartin

2004-10-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

- if you've ever worked in retail, you're probably aware of the strategy of piecing/recovering/straightening done at the end of the night to make the store look clean and shoppable in the morning. this is a custom we practice at the toy store.

- often, one of the aisles for which i am responsible for piecing is the puzzle aisle.

- in the puzzle aisle, there is this gigantic puzzle poster of ricky martin. i am proud to say that no matter how messy and disgusting the store has gotten, no matter how many kids have missed the toilet or puked all over the place, i have never once had to readjust the ricky martin puzzle poster.

droplets of splendor

2004-10-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

- i love the rain because it makes me feel safe. i feel like every little droplet is falling just to be with me. they witness the world as thy fall and then join together once they reach the ground. all the way down, they discover your secrets and hopes and loves and dreams, but they won't tell a soul - not even you.

- also... i think it would be really fun to have sex in a hammock while it's raining.

c'est l'amour

2004-09-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

- you know it must be love when your boy brings you a shoe horn.

*sigh*

- you better believe he treats me right.

i'm totally bummed that school is happening again this year

2004-09-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

- here's the deal. i'm eating lots and lots of rockets, i'm not wearing pants, and i got 2 hours of sleep last night (at most).

- yup, i'm savouring my last week of summer.

keep on thuggin'

2004-08-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

- i would like to present you with a scenario.

- first, imagine that you're me and that you work at toys r us. good. now, one day, your given task is to get boxes out of the back, open them, and put the stuff inside of them onto shelves. to do so, i'm sure you can imagine yourself using a flatcart, a ladder, and a very handy, very portable, very shiny box cutter.

- now imagine that you store the box cutter in your back pocket for convenience sake. good. let a couple of hours go by. you forget about the box cutter and you go home and you take off your pants.

- the next day, your mother decides to go through your pants, and finds the box cutter. imagine really hard: what does she say to you?

"heather, are you in a gang?"

o, canada

2004-08-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

- if all of my other reasons for loving canada suddenly ceased to exist, i think i've just found one to replace them all.

- americans have reality shows where people have to decide whether they prefer love or money, or they get to survive in a house with all the necessities given to them, or, my personal favourite, they can choose a spouse for their parent.

- canadians, on the other (much more mitten-accustomed) hand, have reality shows that involve trying out for an nhl hockey team.

- our national anthem puts it "god, keep our land, glorious and free," but i'd say mostly glorious.

so fresh and so clean

2004-08-16T01:35:00.000-07:00

- whenever i get new pens or pencils or paper, i feel the need just to write. it doesn't matter what or why, but i write.

- this feeling is the worst when i get a new notebook. i love notebooks, but i feel the need to fill them with anything and everything. i don't know why. just thought you'd like to know.

mr. artist got my title

2004-08-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

- when i was younger, every morning at around ten, my friends and i would group together on someone's front porch, huddled with our pencils and drawring (sorry i felt like being english there for a moment) books.

- what were we doing, you ask? we were designing the bad guys we would face in our afternoon game of "fight the bad guy," loosely based on mega man.

- my favourite bad guy that i ever created was this guy called "mr. artist."

- mr. artist was ultimate because he had this all powerful pencil and also an all powerful eraser that he could use anytime on anything. this means that instead of challenging you to a duel, he could just erase your sword. or even better, your limb.

- no one else really liked mr. artist. maybe it was too creative for them. maybe they felt too powerless against his wrath. maybe they were all boys and just wanted things that looked ugly instead of bad guys with any sort of flair. yeah, that sounds about right.

- all i can say is that i wish mr. artist was around now to get rid of this bloody sty on my eye. (am i the only one that feels ridiculously frilly when they say that? an eye sty?)

just like a one-winged dove

2004-08-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

- it is very distressing to me that i am the only one who listed "chasing seagulls" as an interest in my blogger profile.

- have you people not lived?

today

2004-07-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

- today i got a flat tire. i don't know how. i don't know why. i also don't know how to change it. so we called miranda's dad to come save us.

- today i went to my soccer practice, only i didn't have a soccer practice. have fun figuring that one out.

- today i went on a picnic with mike's family. his siblings are sullen. maybe they just don't like me.

- today i got lost for the third time in a week in my city - where i've never been lost before.

- today i had nothing to blog about.

that duck is quackers

2004-07-17T00:14:00.000-07:00

- mike and i went to crabby joe's for dinner tonight, and we got the joe's garlic skillet bread (with cheese, of course), so we were stuffed before we even started our meals.

- in order to counter the effects of so much food, we went for a giant long walk on a nature trail alongside a murky, disgusting, shallow river.

- whilst on the return portion of our walk, we saw a duck plunge into the river. why? i don't know. all i know is that the crazy thing must have been loony.

(loony, get it? like a loon? a kind of duck?)

- judging by the angle of his decent and the depth of the water, both mike and i figured it unlikely that the duck would survive, but we kept watch, just in case he managed to resurface. but resurface he did not, and i am now left with the memory of the poor, tragic duck who had simply given up on the world.

that guy

2004-07-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

this is why i love caitlin:

her: heya

me: hi

her: did you ever lick that guy?

classic.

bliss

2004-06-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

- i have am currently wearing socks which are seven sizes too big, not actually mine, and filled with sand, a sweatshirt that says, "skateboarding is not a crime," and a bathing suit that is too small in the bottom and too large in the top.

- but i am incredibly happy.

the cup

2004-06-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

- i had to go get blood taken today.

- i also had to give some urine, and that's the idea i'm going to centre around, so if you don't want to hear about it, i suggest not reading any further.

- i was in the little, impersonal bathroom (which was not nearly soundproof enough), trying to figure out how to hold the dinky little cup as to not urinate on myself, when i started thinking about how the cup is a really impractical idea for those of the female persuasion.

- you see, we don't really have any way of aiming. sometimes it goes straight down, sometimes it goes all over the legs, and sometimes it does a little bit of both. hell, it's hard even to control the pressure of the flow. so how can we be expected to pee into the cup?

- and the cup itself is quite offensive. it's tiny, first of all. so they're either saying, "you should be skilled enough to aim your urine into this tiny container" (and then make you feel even worse when you can't), or "look at how tiny of a bladder you have" (and then make you feel disgusting when your urine takes up more space than the cup and dribbles onto your hands instead).

- and it's clear. that, to me, means the manufacturers of the cup intend for the stupid thing to taunt you when it's not full. "hey, look at me," it says, "i'm still empty. your bladder is really shitty."

- sometimes i wish i was a boy.

2004-06-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

- i am done exams. done. finito. no more.

- i would love to go on and on about how glad i am that i finally have my freedom and what not, but i am going to summer school to get ahead for next year. so i have a week and a half of freedom.

- what i do know is that things are going to change for me and my friends this summer. we have just got our licenses and jobs and such, so in that sense we are all going to have freedom. and it's going to be interesting to see what we do with it, i think.

- it's bare, bare, bare around these parts. sorry.

i feel like chicken tonight

2004-06-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

- okay so we've all had kfc chicken, right? or seen someone eat it? we're all familiar with the look and feel of the skin?

- now it's "do heather a favour" time. we need to prove my theory.

- stretch out your left arm (assuming you're using your right one for scrolling). move your right hand to the underside of your elbow - the part that would have been pointy, had your elbow been bent. good. now grasp skin. not too much. just a pleasant semi handful. good. now pull. feel the texture; look at it. - and what does it remind you of?

- that's what i thought. elbow skin = kfc chicken.

you put it where?

2004-06-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

- so i purchased a dress last week. a halter top dress.

- that means no bras allowed. not the regular type, anyway. and since i'm not adventurous in the lingerie department, i only have regular bras. i am not exactly tiny in the chest, so braless wasn't an option.

- duct tape.

- i took a roll of duct tape and rolled it around my chestal region until i felt that adequate support was had. then i jumped around and felt the flappers flap, and put on more duct tape.

- although i would recommend this method to anyone who needs a makeshift bra, i would not recommend this to a hairy person. i am hairy. it hurt like a bitch to remove said duct tape.

give it to me baby

2004-06-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

- warning: you probably don't want to read this.

- this morning, i woke up with a strange thought in my head:

- "wouldn't it be funny to see giraffes try to have sex?"

- really... they're so tall and awkward. i just don't see how it could be done gracefully at all. not that any kind of animals having sex could necessarily be described as graceful. except possibly for dragonflies. they're so pretty to start with, and then they have to try and have sex whilst flying, without hitting random passerbys. like me.

- this message has been brought to you by: a very tired and distraught heather.

ahem

2004-06-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

- is this thing on?

- am i still allowed here?

- i am seriously sorry about the severe lack of me around these parts lately, but exams are over in a week; i'm sure you'll see more of me soon.

- tah tah!

2004-04-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

- i've talked about hot pockets before - about how they are glorious. and wonderful. and the food ones are delicious.

- but today i realized the error of my ways.

- i was at work trying to get some girl all set up on the computer. and since i am amazing, i was successful in my attempts. so she sat there for like 10 minutes, working on the computer. she is not amazing, so when she was done, she didn't shut down her program, so i had to go work my magic.

- in order to do so with ease and comfort, i helped myself to the seat in which she had just been seated. and it was warm.

- but not in the pleasant way. not in the way that might make you say "ooh, how pleasantly warm."

- no, no. it was so warm, it felt almost mushy. like when you put tupperware in the microwave, then realize it's not supposed to be in the microwave, and you take it out right before it starts to warp. it was pretty gross.

- in conclusion, not all hot pockets are good. i stand corrected.

2004-04-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

- is it wrong that in a world of love and fun and life and sleep and sex and sugar and doritos that the thing that gives me the most pleasure is not having homework? well. maybe not more than the doritos. but almost.

- really, that is a sick, sick truth. what is the world coming to? i barely smile when i see some of my friends in the hall. i don't have time to talk to my own mother. i drudge through my days not caring. but then, when i realize i don't have homework, i jump and dance and yell.

- does it get better, oh adults? is there a point where real things start to matter again? or am i lost forever?

2004-04-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

- j'ai décidé d'écrire en français içi, car je ne l'ai pas encore fait. je sais bien que mon français écrit [ et parlé ] est pas mal horrible, mais aucun de mes amis le parle d'un niveau élevé non plus.

- si vous parlez le français, j'aimerais m'excuser pour avoir écrit ceci.

- la raison que j'écris en français est que j'ai voulu citer un extrait du livre l'étranger, par albert camus, depuis longtemps. le voici:

- "devant cette nuit chargée de signes et d’étoiles, je m’ouvrais pour la première fois à la tendre indifférence du monde. de l’éprouver si pareil à moi, si fraternel enfin, j’ai senti que j’avais été heureux, et que je l’étais encore. pour que tout soit consommé, pour que je me sente moins seul, il me restait à souhaiter qu’il y ait beaucoup de spectateurs le jour de mon exécution et qu’ils m’accueillent avec des cris de haine."

- je ne sais pas pourquoi je l'adore tellement, mais il semble être très romantique, pour une raison ou une autre. même s'il parle de sa morte.

2004-04-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

- it is tv turnoff week. so turn off your television. turn it off!

- if anyone happens to get the chance to read adbusters, please do. i have read one issue and i fell in love with it. it supports anarchy and is against bad things. like mcdonalds. and george bush. (caitlin, just let me have this one.)

- some things adbusters suggests you do:
- find a relatively busy place and stand perfectly still for 10 minutes
- take off your clothes and observe your body in a mirror. see it as naked for five minutes, see it as nude for five minutes
- sit still in your home with the power off for 15 minutes. then sit still with every appliance turned on for 15 minutes
- observe your toilet bowl for 15 minutes
- drink only hot water for several days - it may taste sweet, or earthy; it may remind you of your own blood

2004-04-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

- the other day at work, i spotted someone eating ritz bits sandwiches. ever since then, i have been craving them desperately.

- tonight, i purchased a box of them. so i was sitting here, eating my cheese cracker sandwich things, and i realized that they tasted more processed than anything i had ever eaten.

- and i didn't mind.

- it says right here on the box, 'with real kraft cheese.' i almost have to believe there's real cheese in the packaging rather than in the "cheese." again, i don't care.

- these things are delicious. really.

2004-04-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

- in my school, there are (if i can count) 5 vending machines. i am in love with one.

- i call him old vendy, and he is mine. well not really. he sits along side the snack vending machine and the ultra spiffy new drink vending machine. all he wants is to sell you water, or possibly juice, perhaps even a carbonated beverage. all you have to do is feed him his fuel of life and tell him what you desire.

- and you know what he does then?

- he yells (well - he kind of just puts it up in capital electronatized [ electronawhat? ] letters) VEND!

- and then you get your beverage. have fun.

2004-04-11T18:11:00.000-07:00

- last night, i went outside to contemplate the meaning of life. it was snowy and cold, but i didn't really feel anything. neither the numbness of my hands nor the wetness of my tears. i sat and thought.

- then a boy walked by. i recognized him, because i see him almost every day. just walking. he always wears the same sweater. it's black and it says in giant white caps on the back 'hey ho, let's go.' my mom read it out loud, once. i laughed at her.

- it occurred to me that his footsteps seemed too loud when everything else was so quiet. the only other noise was the rustle of trees. but his footsteps were loud.

- then i wondered if he was God. i seriously considered that thought for a while. as he was walking by, i asked him to give me a sign. a glance in my direction, a slight nod, even a cough. but he just kept on walking. and it was quiet again.

- i thought it was very symbolic.

2004-04-09T00:48:00.000-07:00

- there's something refreshing about yelling so much that you can't speak without great difficulty.

- our school band concert was tonight. i think we sounded pretty good. yay us.

- but afterwards is what really matters: we all went back to breanna's for a party. that's right, i went to a party. (not a real party, mind you, there was no alcohol... but still... lots of people in a social setting means i'm moving up the social ladder.... or at least finding other losers with whom to spend time)

- at breanna's, we played a super intense game of spoons, during which i had a chunk of skin clawed out of my pinky by my lovely and wonderful friends julie and owen. i also got a pair of socks donated to me by breanna's 10 year old brother, via breanna's parents.

- aaaand we sat around a bonfire. singing. loudly. sometimes, pleasant songs (for example, when we sang beatles' songs). sometimes, not-so-pleasant songs (for example, when we sang the spice girls' songs). but it was all fun.

2004-04-04T22:06:00.000-07:00

- sorry about the typical kind of post, but here are a few things i learned today:

- boys are good stuff holders.
- the principal doesn't really care whether you go to math class or not.
- if you have a scab, and you pick it, it will always bleed.
- it's always possible to find something to criticize.
- papercuts between fingers can be cured with sweat.
- people will never appreciate what you do.
- day 2 hair only ever looks bad if you need it to look good.
- there are two kinds of swallows.

2004-04-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

- when i left my house today to drive maddie home, a thought ran through my head: "what if this is the last time i'm ever home?" it kind of creeped my out, but then, i'm weird, so i went on my merry way.

- on the way home from maddie's, i decided that i needed money, so i went to the drive-through at my bank. once i had all my cards and papers and bills and such in order, i went to the driveway thing and prepared myself to make a left across the busiest road in my city.

- i had probably been sitting there for about five minutes when i finally got a considerable break in traffic, so out i went. and out i stopped. that's right, my car stopped moving halfway across two lanes of traffic in the middle of the busiest road in my city.

- aah!

- my first thought was that i was out of gas. i looked at my gas gauge. it was more than half full. well, was i in the proper gear? yup, the big orange D told me so. "wait - drive? but... i'm going... backwards?"

- so my car had stopped moving for an instant, then it started moving backwards. to me, that was better than nothing - at least i was getting out of the road, a little. so my car put itself nicely back into the parking lot from which i had just emerged. did i say nicely? i meant that my front half was still halfway into the road.

- by this time, traffic had started making its way towards me. cars were forced to stop and go around and such. i honestly thought i was going to die, and the breakdown started. i started crying. i was just waiting for someone to come along and not be paying enough attention. as i watched one car make its way around me, it struck me as hilarious that the last thing i might see would be this carload of chinese people staring at me in awe, wonder, and surprise.

- i was incredibly desperate now. i decided to put my car into reverse, to see if it would be nice and reverse me into the parking lot. apparently, it was opposite day today; it went forward.

- after that, i'm not really sure what happened. i think i turned my key about a bagillion times, put my foot on the brake and gas pedals repeatedly, and probably changed gears a lot, too. finally, my car went the rest of the way into the parking lot.

- i don't know how i made it into a parking spot, as i couldn't even see at this point, and i also don't know how i managed to dial my phone number, but i talked to my dad and he biked up to rescue me. then i called maddie and cried at her. then i hung up and cried some more. then my dad got there and everything was better.

2004-04-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

- my music teacher likes his chair. a lot.

- owen and i stole his chair. we left a ransom note with correct spelling and grammar. he looked for his chair. a lot.

- he found us chair. he made us right a lot of lines (the spelling and grammar gave me away, jeff gave owen away). a lot.

- he left the room again. we thought he was a big idiot for leaving the room again. we stole his chair again. we left a ransom note again. he didn't find his chair this time. after class, we took his chair for a "stroll" around to the front of the school to partake in a lovely class photograph.

- "mr. s," said the announcement lady, a few minutes later, "your new chair is here."

- it had a bow on it.

- he's going to make us write a lot of lines tomorrow. a lot.

2004-03-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

- everyone had their favourite toys growing up, right? most of you probably had your easy bake ovens and your task-doing dolls and your goo-spurting zombie things. i got all my sisters' hand-me-down toys. these included, but were not limited to, a speak 'n' spell, a lite brite, a couple marker covered cabbage patch kids, and a surprisingly large amount of defective balls and yoyos and frisbees.

- so imagine my wonder and delight when i discovered that this site exists. that's right, folks, an "e-lite brite," if you will.

- i am so not doing my homework.

2004-03-29T19:44:00.000-08:00

- i have told you before of my V8 Splash fetish, but i think it might have gone a little too far this time.

- you see, i had soccer try outs. and they were tiring. and then richgirl's mom brought us ice cream bars. they did not help the dehydration factor.

- so i got home, and all i wanted to do was to sit down, but i was also in desperate need of something to drink. desperate. so i looked in the fridge, and there was this giant bottle of V8 Splash, staring me in the face. sixty four fluid ounces, it said.

- by this time, it was one of those devil on the left shoulder, angel on the right shoulder deals. but i'm deaf in my right ear**, so instead of taking sooo much time and effort to take the bottle out, take a cup out, unscrew the lid, tip the bottle... well, you get the idea. i just grabbed the bottle and had a seat in my loving computer chair. and that's where we are now.

- sixty four fluid ounces. i'm going to need to pee like a racehorse in the middle of the night.

**this is a lie. i put it in for dramatic fun.

2004-03-28T00:43:00.000-08:00

- i stole this idea from wastelandletters.

- take a band/singer and fill in the blanks with their song titles.

- i chose our lady peace:

i love ALL MY FRIENDS.
i hate LYING AWAKE.
i feel INNOCENT.
i see myself as NOT ENOUGH.
i see my past as CLUMSY.
my future looks like SHAKING.
i think SOMEWHERE OUT THERE is attractive.
my slogan should be IN REPAIR.
don't ever SELL MY SOUL.
i consider HOPE to be LIFE.

2004-03-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

- i've noticed that the "granny" style is so far gone on the loop of coolness that it is looping back to cool. i blame it mostly on the outburst of those tannish plaid pants a couple years ago. since then, there's been no going back.

- i happened to look around my english class today [what an odd, odd thing to do], and i noticed that most, if not all of the "cool" girls were wearing something "formerly known as" granny. mostly it was knitted sweaters. in the day, they might have been called "cardigans" or "granny sweaters". but now, they're cool.

- i don't get it, but i hope this means that the girlies who wear the short pants with the thongs will stop having the attack of the crack and start wearing granny panties.

- if i shoot baskets and bowl granny style, am i cool? double cool, even?

2004-03-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

- the time has come. you need to learn about my experiences with llamas.

- in my town, there is a petting zoo, or an "animal farm," as it prefers to be called. my dad used to take me every sunday, no matter the weather conditions. until i was about 11 or so, there were your typical animals to be petted: goats, sheep, pigs, cows, donkeys, geese, ducks, rabbits, etc. - and then came the llamas.

- they were really cool at first, especially when i knew their names (i think the brown one was sir jeffery and the white one was isabelle. or i might have just made that up right now. i'm not sure). so since they were so cool, i asked one of the petting zoo ladies (animal farming ladies, sorry) what they especially liked to eat, so that i could single handedly make them happy. oats, she replied.

- oats indeed. i made my parents go out and buy some for the next sunday. and the next sunday, i was all prepared with my oats and my 11 year old braveness. i walked up to the brown llama (sir jeffery, in my mind, anyway) with my arms outstretched, offering him the world. and he accepted.

- for a few moments, anyway. he munched the oats for probably five seconds, then kind of snorted, looked at me, and spat on me... with the oats in his mouth.

- needless to say, it was gross. so llamas aren't exactly in my good books, as it were.

- not only that, but they had the audacity to tack an extra letter in front of their name. no offense to anyone named lloyd (well really, i do mean offense to people named lloyd, and anyone else who was a double consonant to start their name), but who does that? would i be better off if my name was hheather? no! it's just stupid.

- just for fun... since we're on the topic of llamas, go here.

2004-03-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

- i love hot pockets. not those pastry rolls stuffed with all kinds of processed goodness**, but the warm spots you make in your bed because of your massive amount of fat. here, let me explain:

- they feel secure and safe. if i've been scared about something (for example, evil aliens following me around to capture me and harvest me, as was my fear after viewing signs), and then i crawl (or leap, as the case so often is) into bed, i suddenly feel better. the world is a less threatening place in the hot pockets.

- not only that, but it's always quiet and empty in the hot pockets. this leaves lots of time open for making loud armpit farts to fill the void pondering the meaning of the occurrences of that day. i get a lot of things figured out (and new things messed up) lying in my hot pocket.

- most of all, they're plain ol' comfortable. there's something about your own body heat that puts you at ease - kind of like your mother's cooking. no matter how nice someone else's is (or someone else's mother's is), you still like your own better. i'm not one to nap easily, but you could give me five minutes in my bed to make a hot pocket, and you better believe i'd be asleep.

- so.. yeah. power to the hot pockets.

**not that i have anything against those pastry rolls stuffed with all kinds of processed goodness. cause i don't.

2004-03-17T16:47:00.000-08:00

- it starts raining when you want to do stuff and it never stops

- the devil said to me, "put down your pen, dear, your pen. go get yourself a friend, love, a friend. you can hurt yourself again, dear, again. just put down your pen."

- anna sings softly in the night her words taste like candy corn and milkshakes but no one's listening

- the piano man plays his song; look at his fingers moving. he cares about his song; look at his fingers moving.

- the lights are too bright to see what truly lies beneath the surface but i can see the shadow of deceit swimming inside of you

- it's raining and i can't keep my mind on anything but the patter patter of drops running down my window the way tears would do on a cheek robbed of innocence

2004-03-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

- why english is such a pain:

1. the bandage was wound around the wound.
2. the farm was used to produce produce.
3. the soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
4. since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
5. a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
6. when shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
7. the insurance was invalid for the invalid.
8. i did not object to the object.
9. they were too close to the door to close it.
10. the wind was too strong to wind the sail.

2004-03-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

- hamsters bark. i'm not even kidding. my sister tried to pick up my hamster and she dropped him on his cage. when she went to touch him again, he started making noises at her that sounded somewhere in between a crow and a squirrel. it was rather freaky.

- not that i blame him or anything. i mean, sure, maybe he shouldn't have been so wiggly, but if i fell on top of some metal bars, i would probably utter some sort of previously unheard of noises myself.

2004-03-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

- you know how a lot of advertising slogans and what not say something along the lines of "to us, you're a name, not a number". well, i spit on that.

- first of all, there are more numbers than people in the world. if there aren't, just make more. so at least with a number, you are individual. and while it's true that you could just make a new name, most people can't do that without ruining any chances their child had to hold their head high in the world. with a number, there is virtually no way that this john smith is going to be confused with that john smith.

- secondly, names are supposed to be a representation of people, and people are unstable. people are unsure, so what's the good of giving them a name? names, like people, change, and are no comfort when we're looking for stability. if my name were "elizabeth", people might call me "elizabeth" or "liz" or "beth"... some people might get technical and call me "eliza" or "abeth". but all that would just be for me. where's the certainty, yo? oh, right, with a number. if i was "725 648 977," there's not much you can do to that to make me unsure that it's me. and i like to be sure.

2004-03-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

- i hate it when you're just about to pull into your driveway and a good song ends and then a crappy song comes on, but you're too close to home to make it worthwhile to change the station, but the song is on for just long enough to grate on your nerves.

- for example, i was just getting home from purchasing delicious candy for the band trip tomorrow when the sweater song ended. and what better to follow weezer than kid rock? no, wait. that's wrong.

2004-03-04T21:02:00.000-08:00

- it's raining! i am gleeful like a giddy little girl right now [that's a scary thought]. i love rain and everything that comes with it (except perhaps for the copious numbers of squishy worms on the sidewalk). i love the look, the feel, the smell. i love that it makes times seem slower, but it lets you see things faster. i love that it makes you think even if you're not thinking about anything at all. i love just being in the rain.

- more than anything, though, i think i love when it starts to rain again because now, instead of bathing regularly, i can just stand outside. cheers to that.

2004-03-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

- i don't know why, but i have a tendency to get injured - usually in comical fashion.

- perhaps it's the fact that my mind doesn't compensate for the fact that my body is wider than desired. perhaps it's the fact that my arms are long and dangly, such as would be expected on a 14 year old boy. perhaps it's that my ears have never been good and that it somehow affects my balance. perhaps it's that i'm too short to see what's coming. or perhaps i'm just a klutz.

- i walk into things. often. doors, tables, people, cars, poles, music stands, walls. i've tested the strength of my body against all of these elements (and too many more) on several occasions.

- but it's not just walking into things. i get strange "ouchies" for strange reasons. once, a boy threw a shoe at me and it tore off several layers of skin in my hand (i have a scar). the other day at lunch, i went to smack my friend in the ass thigh, but i missed and hit some girl's hand instead, and she had these giant girly nails that pierced my skin. this other time, i was eating a popsicle and the stick gave me a sliver. and when i was younger, we were playing on the snow ice and i slipped and of course i landed squarely on the protruding jagged ice stick of sharpness and felt like i had cracked a rib and/or punctured a lung for about two weeks.

- sometimes, i just hurt.

2004-03-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

- that's right folks, spring is coming, and i can smell it. all the signs are pointing in that direction. what are the signs, you're wondering? well i'll just have to tell you:

- there was that annoying cardinal outside yestermorning that insists on coming back and ruining my springtime sleep every... well.... spring
- i have actually witnessed patches of grass, and the snow that is left is of the disgusting mushy variety
- people have stopped wearing humoungously huge jackets (for people who live much closer to the equator than i (i.e. not in canada), an explanation: people have stopped wearing socks)
- not sure, but i may have spotted the sun the other day
- i have started to shave my legs again

2004-02-29T13:29:00.000-08:00

- today sort of doesn't exist. well it exists, but it only exists in quarters every year, and we kind of throw all those quarters once every four years and forget that they exist the other three years.

- basically, my point is that it would be really cool to do something memorable today. if you've been planning on doing something for a while, or you know there's something you will eventually do, or you jus think of something fun and wacky of the top of your head, do it!! that way, on february 29, 2008, you'll be able to say, "oh yeah, i did <> on february 29, 2004." and the person to whom you are speaking will be in quite a dilemma. "is that four years ago, or is it simply one year ago?" who knows. not me.

- it's fun to mess with other people's heads, though, so get on it!

2004-02-28T22:29:00.000-08:00

- i wish the world was flat. it would be so much easier if there was a definite end. maybe there could be a wall. although i'm sure people would spray paint their names and thoughts and the dirtiest words they could think of all over it. i don't know why people do that, but it's fun to look at. it's interesting to see the thoughts that other people think are so important that they must be permanently attached to a wall or stall or bus. so if you were driving along and suddenly you came to a giant wall with wide assortments of graffiti painted on it, you would know very well that it was time to turn around. but there aren't walls. there isn't even an oddly shaped bush or a pole that is just a little too tall. there is no marker to tell us when we've gone too far, nothing to tell us when to turn around. and sometimes i go too far. i think i am too far in general... when someone gets to me, they're lost. they should never have gotten this far. and they all realize it, eventually. they all go back and leave me. i am what's past the bush and the pole. so how do i get back? how do i put up the wall? or maybe it's already up. maybe i just never move so i don't know it. maybe the wall is where it should be, and i'm just on the outside. someone wanna send me a map?

2004-02-24T14:58:00.000-08:00

- you know how on every show ever made (and in a considerable number of movies, too), at some point your favourite character is in some sort of giant freak accident and they get rushed to the hospital and they have to administer those giant electric pad things to bring them miraculously back to life? yeah, i wish they had those for shoes.

- so i was walking home with madison from her bus stop and i jumped into a giant bank of snow to avoid getting hit by the bus. and then we walked across the busiest road in the city, which had no doubt just been salted. and then we walked through a park that had more dog crap per capita than any other park that ever existed. and it was raining. and snowy.

- to make a long story short, my shoes are ruined! gone! dead! i miss them.

2004-02-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

-things that are fun:
driving too fast
looking at my fat hamster
swinging on swings
watching a friend step in a puddle
rolling down an icy hill

-things that are not fun:
jumping off a swing and hurting your feet
stepping in a bigger puddle
not being able to move coherently after having rolled down an icy hill

2004-02-21T19:43:00.000-08:00

- so i just watched the end of the first period of the leafs - canadiens game (the leafs were winning 3-0, of course, and matt stajan (my husband) scored), and some random guy in the fron row was wearing a senators jersey. how does that make sense?

2004-02-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

- so, sleeping in my sister's old room while my window stops leaking has made me realize that when it comes to going to bed, i am the oldest "little kid" there is. let's review:

- needs a light on to sleep... check
- needs a flashlight in case the other light doesn't reach all corners of the room... check
- also does some last minute reading with the flashlight under the cover tent so that parentals won't see the flashlight... check
- likes to be tucked in... check
- needs "special teddy"... check
- likes to have a glass of water before bed... <>

- well... i'm getting there. i am sure there are boogie men in the closet.

2004-02-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

- so the word going around is that getting your full drivers' license is supposed to be liberating. well, i've had mine for two weeks [so you're obviously the expert], and i haven't felt it yet.

- no overwhelming feelings of pride, joy, maturity, freedom, or being grown up. a little excitedness, sure, but that was more at the fact that full license = complete music control. no more oldies for me... ....except i like oldies. shh.

- and of course, there have been a couple of those sudden moments of realization where i've thought "woah, i'm driving," or "woah, i could go to texas,**" or "woah, i could really put a spin on things and barrel down a one way street the wrong way," but nothing liberating.

- there have also been the horrible parking jobs with no one there to mock me, the glorious parking jobs with no one there to congratulate me, and then there was the time i almost drove into a pole, but no one saw me. but still... no emphasized feelings of freedom or joy.

- maybe i'm just weird.

** i don't actually want to go to texas... no offense to texans, i'm just pretty small as it is, so if "everything's bigger" there, i can't say that i think texas and i would get along too well.

2004-02-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

- my house makes lots of noises.

- first, there's the hamster. fergus (that's the hamster) could be seven rooms away from me, and i swear i can still hear him running on his little wheel. which would be conceivable, except i can't hear it when i'm in the same room as him. so it must be the house.

- then, there's the nail file. this one's only at night, but it distinctly sounds like someone filing their nails. i shudder to picture this (nail things are just gross), so i generally try to ignore this sound.

- don't forget the crazy fast bike slamming on the breaks on a hot day and the sound its tires make as it skids to a stop. yeah, that one happens, too. it's really loud and in your face, kind of like fred durst, only slightly more enjoyable.

- finally, there's almost always a background synthesized tuba on b flat noise. (maybe it's f, i don't have perfect pitch) it's just there. along with the other notes, there's no dissonance. it's kind of pleasant sometimes, but it's still strange. oh synthesized tuba, you never let me down.

2004-02-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

- for reasons unbeknownst to me, i wrote down a whole bunch of random words and their meanings in a notebook a long time ago... i just found it. yay! are you ready for this jelly? here:

granivorous:
who eats grains

mycophile:
who likes mushrooms (hehe i'm a granivorous mycophile)

uxorious:
excessively or submissively fond of a wife(i want one)

grimalkin:
spiteful old woman

ullage:
amount by which a bottle falls short of being full

uxeous:
resembling a grape

allantoid:
sausage shaped(impress your loved ones with this one at the breakfast table... "my, this sausage
is rather allantoid"...)

rigmarole:
rambling meaningless talk

waffle:
wordy nonsense(i guess that makes my blog waffly rigmarole)

- well, kids, that's all for now. but stay tuned; we will be doing a continuation of our series "how to get rid of any readers your blog might possible have," so don't forget to keep watching

2004-02-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

- i thinks bars of soap are disgusting.

- the idea of cleaning itself is actually a good thing (who knew?), but with a bar of soap? just eww. really, people. when you wash your hands with a bar of soap, you rub your dirty germy hands all over it, right? so where do the germs go? well, they're washed off by the soap, right? but where do they go?

- if germs are washed off by soap, who's to say they're going to wait until you put water on them to leave? i am positive that some germs, in fact, are transferred on to the soap (don't believe me? go get your hands really dirty then wash them with a bar of soap. soap gets dirty, eh?).

- so when i go and wash my hands with a bar of soap, i'm getting other people's hand (and probably bathroom) germs all over me. other people suck.

- similarly, baths are gross. let's see, when we wash in a bath, the dirt and germs go into the water, and i'm washing myself with... the same water!! hmm... what is wrong with this picture?

- oh yeah, the water is dirty. dirty, dirty, dirty!

2004-02-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

- for anyone who has seen the truman show, you should know that it is the basis of my ultimate conspiracy theory.

- truman is this man who, since birth, has been constantly videotaped without his consent or knowledge. the production team of his show created an entire world for him, and he simply lived, no questions asked.

- i always wonder whether i should be asking questions. i could be truman. for all i know, there are cameras everywhere. i don't know why people would want to watch me, but maybe i'm some sort of freak experiment. how do i know that the world is what it seems to be? maybe i've been placed in a little box of reality, something that isn't anything like life, but keeps me alive just enough to see what i do. to me, the fact that this is a possibility is absolutely terrifying. to have someone just know me like that - for them to know what i've done every second of every day of my life... it's just scary.

- but of course, me being paranoid and all [because everything up there certainly wasn't paranoid], i take it a step further:
- what if my thoughts aren't safe? the only things i know about how my body and mind work are things i've heard or read - things i've been told by other people. but what if my body doesn't work at all like they say? what if i'm some puppet? what if i'm theirs? what if they exist inside my mind?

- as farfetched as it may sound, to me, it's possible. how do i know which thoughts are right and which ones are wrong unless someone's in there giving me insight?

- oh, brain, sometimes you hurt.

2004-02-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

- 0477700006 <--- this is what happened when i dropped my calculator down the stairs.

i used to stink, stank and stunk

how could you?

the deep end

treasure hunt

afraid of heights

spoiled rotten

the wings of life

living in the shadows

and then it was the end

everything is everything

the beat of my...

so says my pudding

i was thinking of you

no glove, no love

you shouldn't have

hear me roar

success!

to win or not to win

itsy bitsy spider

better than cocaine. and by better, i mean worse.

here i dreamt i was a mathematician

i'm going to shell you

i smell like a man

math is the shit

don't need no abacus

there's another world inside of me

stalkers two

but your soul was willing

burn, baby, burn

victim of political pride

at least i'm flying free

and all this solitude is my confidence eroding

the best policy

under there

s'cuse me, pardon me

the lost art

let me play among the stars

mind your manners

bond, james bond

canada, eh?

hear me roar

honey, i'm home

something dreamy

officer spanky pants

ricky's not smartin

droplets of splendor

c'est l'amour

i'm totally bummed that school is happening again this year

keep on thuggin'

o, canada

so fresh and so clean

mr. artist got my title

just like a one-winged dove

today

that duck is quackers

that guy

bliss

the cup

i feel like chicken tonight

you put it where?

give it to me baby

*ahem*

ahem